June 1, 2019
On the 27th April I ran my first DNF at the 12hour Lighthouse ultra and it has taken me this long to even think about typing a post on the experience, well over a month. This is a post I thought I’d be writing many years from now and never envisaged penning this particular post so soon in my young (?) career. Right some background to the event. The Lighthouse is a 2.5k loop that starts at midnight and continues through to midday, as 12 hour events do of course. The plan was to podium at minimum and maybe even sneak a win, this , with hindsight , was to be my undoing..
I have said many, many times that marathon and ultra running , actually any distance racing , is to a large proportion a mental struggle with oneself. If you haven’t questioned yourself in a race you ain’t running fast enough. The human body can go so much faster than we allow it but the safety barriers, we put in place to protect it, prevents us from reaching our true potential. Training allows us to move those barriers and thus we run faster. Trust in your training is a mantra I live by and better training always equals faster racing. I believe this is because we have persuaded the mind (the main instrument in protecting the body) that we can run that little bit faster and not do too much damage. This is why better training equates to faster racing, simple really.
Coming into the 12hour ultra I was unprepared mentally. I questioned the reason for the event even upto driving to the start line, not a good idea. The previous two weeks I had moved house and this had mentally , and physically, exhausted me, not ideal preparation. Also this was to be my first ‘time rather than distance race‘ where the idea is to run as far as possible in a given timeframe, again not a good sign. The few days before the event my running had been substandard with my heart rate higher than it should have been given the pace, another sign I ignored and this culminated in a nasty cold after the event. Typing this I’m surprised I actually lasted as long as I did.
Right , lets cut to the chase and describe the race. I arrived tired, remember it starts at midnight which is way past my bedtime, and set up my esky full of drink bottles and Gu’s. Jon joined me and we decided to go off around the 5min/k pace and try and hold this for the 12 hours. Simple really but when we started Jon found another gear and we were motoring along at around the 4:40min/k pace and leaving the rest of the field behind very quickly. This should had been a sign to me that this was too fast as there was some great running experience behind us, and along way behind us. I tried my best to calm Jon down but he was having the run of his life and I was hanging on for dear life, a situation which could not go on.
To add to my tale of woes I was struck down with toilet issues and had to make an unscheduled toilet stop at 18k. This was also an excuse to let Jon go on his merry way and give me some respite from the relentless pace. The only downside to this pitstop was it was totally dark in the toilet cubicle as I was using Jon’s headlamp when we raced, sitting behind him. So here I was, just before 2am, rummaging around in a dark toilet cubicle questioning why I was there and not even thinking about the 9-10 hours ahead of me. Eventually I did the ‘paperwork’ and started on my merry way , alone. As you can see from the image below I did manage to hold 5min/k for around 7 kilometres before another unscheduled stop, this was now becoming an issue.
Jon lapped me around this time and all thoughts of a podium were well and truly finished. I managed another 6k before my third, and final, toilet stop and trust me I was now in a world of pain. Pace was steadily decreasing while the heart rate was rising, not good indicators so early in the event. The final straw when when we changed direction at 3 hours, turning back to the finish line I knew I could not continue for another 9 hours, as it was the I was lucky to make another 9 minutes. So at 3:19:22 into the 12 hour event I packed up my gear and stumbled off into the night to drive home to bed, destroyed. I must admit it was long and lonely drive home but it was the right decision at the time but that didn’t mean it didn’t hurt, big time. Getting home around four in the morning one of the dogs had decided not to wait for their scheduled toilet stop and left me a nice coming home present on the tiled floor of the kitchen, things really couldn’t have got any worse as I cleaned up their ‘gift’, it seemed to be a recurring theme of the night !
So what to take from this tale of woe. For me it highlighted how mentally unprepared I was for the race but, more importantly, how badly I had started , setting unrealistic goals that in the end destroyed me. Being my first time over distance race I should had prepared myself for the long haul and setting off at 100k pace, when I was not in the form to do so, was always going to end in failure. With hindsight, and this is so easy to type, I could have taken an hour to compose myself and got back out there, hell I could have gone for a 6 hour sleep and still ran for another 3 hours ! The possibilities were endless with the nine hours I had left in the event but in the end I did nothing and just sculked off home, a beaten man. Could I have carried on ? It’s a question I ask myself on a regular basis and I truely believe I couldn’t at the time. Three in the morning suffering from sleep depravation, toilet ‘challenges’ and a heart rate rising quickly, I was in no condition to continue, yep, stopping was the only answer but it could have been so different. Will I go back next year ? Hell yeah, for redemption and to prove to myself I can give the 12 hour a good tilt.
What will I do differently ? Just about everything. I’ll mentally prepare myself for a start, really want to finish and finish strong. The pace will be dialled in early and it’ll be sustainable. Jon will be running the 24 hour version so I can stay away from his suicidal pacing and finally I’ll avoid my home cooking as No1 Wife will be home, so no toilet stops ? I’m really looking forward to it, truth be told, but of course there are plenty of other fish to fry before I return to the LightHorse next year.
Confidence wise , mine took a beating of course. My first ever DNF hit me very hard, it’s taken me weeks to even think about typing this post. On the bright side I have taken so much from this , I will never take on an event unprepared and always give the ultra events the respect they deserve, not just turn up and think it’s may right to finish and finish high up the field and strong. In ultra running nothing can be taken for granted and just assuming you are going to go well on past performances is threat with danger. The only thing that semi-guarantee’s results is training, trust in your training not historical data from past experiences.
From the Sciene of Ultra website this paragraph sums up the while DNF thing for me .. https://www.scienceofultra.com/blog/zion100k
They say that the opposite of love is not hate, but rather indifference. That is exactly what I was experiencing. I was completely indifferent to the event. I didn’t love it or hate it, I just had no interest at all, indifference. I asked myself whether this was just frustration; it was not. I had been replaying all the times I’ve heard people say they regretted dropping out of a race and that their advice is to just walk if possible…finish it. But, finishing was not part of my reason for entering the race. I’ve completed 100k races before, with nearly twice the elevation change. I had nothing to prove with finishing. I knew I could finish and that held no absolutely no meaning to me. So, I dropped out.
I was totally indifferent to the event at three hours, I was not enjoying myself and the thought of another 9 hours filled me with dread. It was this I suppose which in the end made my decision for me. I was not in the race to finish but to podium or at least finish high up the field, when this started to slip away (when I DNF’d I was sitting 6th) the race held nothing for me.
‘You learn more from your failure than you do from your success‘, is that true, maybe. I have certainly spent more timing thinking about what happened and working on ways to make sure they never happen again, so from that point of view you do take more from failure. To sum up how early I pulled the pin on the race I ran 33k the next day at 4:37min/k pace , comfortably. Mentally I was in a better place and the legs felt great, imagine that after a 37k race I was running a quick long run faster than race pace. What a difference a day makes, or even a goodies night sleep. I’ve managed to string together a semi-reasonable few weeks which culminated in a 35:38 10k last week and this is a confidence booster with the Rottnest Marathon in two weeks. I certainly feel a lot better going into a race and distance I know and love and there will be no mental challenges on Rotto. (Bar the normal marathon ones of course?) The goal is to run sub 3 for the 7th time and set a new record which I currently share with Mark Page. ( The two of us have six sub3 Rottnest Marathon Finishes). For those of you who don’t know Mark Page has finished Comrades second on two occasions, which is a pretty big deal. He was a pretty handy runner in his time and set numerous records so to go one better than Mark will be a massive honour. Looking at my training I’m in with a shout and I’ll certainly give it my all.
I found a great article from Nic Errol, originally from Perth funnily enough, on his first DNF, far superior to mine. Worth a read people… https://nicerrol.com/2018/02/26/live-and-learn-anatomy-of-a-dnf/
Right it was good to get that post out of the way and I can continue to motivate rather than depress people. With what I have learnt from this race I hope to avoid writing ‘My second DNF’ for a very, very long time, remember I’m at the beginning of my career and time is my friend… yours in running…
